You've Lost That Loving Feeling

The Righteous Brothers

I know all too well what my mom talked about..."I wish I had taken some time to meet more people when I single and not settled." while I don't feel I settled, I do feel taken for granted. Which is irksome because no matter how I tell him this, he doesn't seem to get it. It's so frustrating to think that only ONE man finds you attractive, and even HE doesn't tell you he thinks this! It's depressing and makes me not want to care about loosing more weight...just sit in my room, light off, and cry. I know that's the self-pity talking, but it's tempting. I've always had attractions to guys who had absolutely no interest in me, I would set myself up for heart-ache because I thought that's what was supposed to happen to me--since I was never the one who was the "pretty sister" (that was always Rachel or Tia, and now Heather). Guys didn't whistle at me, unless my sisters where with me, and even then it wasn't directed at me. The most I overheard was outside a Chuck E. Cheese in WI where a young black man said something about me being "thick" and when I turned to look who was talking he and his friends walked faster inside, probably embaressed I had heard them. I just get so mad at myself for letting my weight get the better of me the past several years. I was doing so awesome...before I got pregnant...now...god I feel like I have the boy of a 50yr old some times with all my aches and pains! I know 90% of it is the extra weight, and it's causing me more then just physical stress, but the emotional stress too *sigh*

I find myself not wanting to be touched more and more because I feel so used up. I've tried to explain this to him too, but it seems to turn around to somehow he's inadiquate, when it's not the case at all, and then we both get mad and I start to cry and can't get any more words out...such is the reality of being married right now...and all I want is to go back 4 years...and start over! I'm so disappointed with myself and the choices I made, or let others make for me! Things could've been so different!

All I can do now is take up where I am now and move forward, trying to make those little choices count towards a greater, bigger, goal now. It's very hard to let go, but it will get easier with time.

Seriously?! Could 80% of the people I know BE more thin-skinned?!

Oh...my...GOSH!!! Why do I know some many stinking thin-skinned people?! What happened that I ended up surrounding myself with these immature, easily offended, grudge-holding, BIG-BABIES?! I sent out this text this evening, it was joke/spam that tells you to call the sender at a certain # because their battery is low. When you call it, it turns out to be a silly Santa message, well not only did 80% of the people I sent it to not even know who I WAS (which is another thing that cheeses me off!) but they didn't even get it! The 5 people who did were mildly amused, but one got all snippy with me and I'm just so angry! Is it worth being a totally ass to send some rude text back about a joke?! Is life so serious you can't just laugh a bit and take it with a grain-of-salt?! GAWD! What I really want to do is call them up and yell at them for being such a jack-ass and trying to make ME feel like an incondsiderat jerk--which I am not! Life doesn't have to be so flippin serious! Being busy is part of the moment-to-moment drama of life...DEAL WITH IT! I'm seriously considering cutting ties with some of these people. They seem to always assume the worst of me, my son, and my husband. So why do I bother keeping in touch? Well I've known them for 12 years so it's kind of hard not to say hi every once in a while...but...come to think of it, they never made efforts to talk to me--unless I was in a situation that helped THEM get something they wanted. Yeah...I think this is the end. Adios annoying people! You can't miss what you never really wanted around in the first place!

Poems to make you cry!

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!


--Rudyard Kipling

This is one of my all time favorite poems! Just reading it out loud to Jordan choked me up. It's such a beautiful poem! I'm going to teach it to my son!

"Every day, in every moment, you get to exercise choices that will determine whether or not you will become a great person, living a great life. Greatnes is not something predetermined, predestined or carved into your fate by forces beyond your control. Greatness is always in the moment of the decision."

The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson

I read that quote yesterday and it blew my mind! You watch movies and there are these heros and heroins who have these amazingly dramatic decisions to make, and it will (usually) determine the fate of the entire world. But what we forget to notice, is the character doesn't always know that. This is one of the reasons I love Lord of the Rings so much and Frodo and Sam are two of my favorite characters! Their simply little guys who have greatness THRUST upon them, they don't whine, or cry, or ask "why me Lord?" when it comes to making the choice. They are the ones who have the warrior hearts and lead the army into battle for something bigger than themselves. No I know life isn't a movie, and nothing is that dramatic...but what if it could be? What if each of us has the inate ability to be GREAT?! To be EFFECTIVE with the choices we make on a daily basis. The sad thing is, 95% of people give up before the seeds of greatness even have time to take root. If you have never even heard of the book I quoted, and you want to change your life, READ IT!!! IT IS AMAZING!!!

Well my break is done...I'll add more thoughts later.

Daylight Savings and Morons

Would someone please tell me how I keep finding these idiots?! PLEASE! I'd like to know how I draw these two-faced-bitchy-ass-women to me and then piss them off, only to have them tear my face off. I'm so done! I'm done placating people who feel superior because they aren't religious and I am. I'm done being nice to people who are HORRIBLE parents and have to tell everyone what "damn good" ones they are to make themselves feel better about being so bad. If you're a good parent people tell YOU, not the other way around! I had probably one of the crappiest days today at work...and I wish I hadn't even gotten out of bed. I've had an extremely shitty week, I think I've cried more this week then I have in MONTHS. some people at work were seeming concerned...but I don't let them in, I don't trust anyone there. Not enough to share all of this stuff. How do I tell someone I barely know I feel like a failure as a mother and wife? And it's not just a once-in-a-while feeling, it's a constant hammering in my head that is so hard to drowd out. They deserved better...they all do. But...how do I act like the person I am on the inside, and make the person come outside PERMANENTLY?! If you know, would you please tell me. I keep trying to listen for God's voice...but all I get is silence...I want peace so much, my heart aches to have PEACE in all areas of my life...but so long as I'm working at this job...and in the place financially I am I don't see a way to getting the peace I crave.

Have you ever felt like an old, run-down, sweater that's fraying at ever edge? I have...I feel as though one more tug...and I'll fall to peices. I'm being held together by glue that never seems to dry, and a few rosebush sticks...reminding me keenly of my past pain, and keeping others at a distance. I realized this morning, that when I'm hurt I pull into myself and tell myself these little lies about why Jordan won't comfort me: "He's a guy, guys don't get this kind of pain. He's just insensative. If he really cared about me he'd realized I need a hug and for him to tell me things will get better...but he's a jerk, and wouldn't do that for me even if I asked." So I push him away, and rather then get hurt over and over...he pulls away from me...which hurts a thousand times worse! To have him turn away from me when we're talking in bed makes my heart feel as though it's being squeezed and torn at with tiny, sharp, little barbs. The words are on the tip of my tongue...but as soon as I make the motions to say them...my throat closes and I choke...literally. I choke over my own words and can't seem to get out the truth...my body tries to prevent me from letting out the truth...warring with me and what my heart wants me to do.

Stressful

Yeah, that word would probably be the best description of the past month! I'm so sick of scraping by and having $200 make-or-break us financially! I'm tired of family not supporting us in our business and going to other people. I'm so sick of feeling like a failure! I'm sick of being disgustingly fat! I'm so tired of being treated as second rate and not going anywhere--save in CIRCLES--in this life. I hate myself for wishing I was single/childless still...and still the idea makes me wonder what things would've been like had life not taken the turns they did. I don't believe I would have the love in my life I do, and I wouldn't trade my son for a dozen girls--regardless of how much less attention he gets over his girl cousins. I just want to curl up and cry until my head explodes...but I know what wouldn't help anything! I don't even know how to get my marriage on track. I feel so...empty...so angry...so lost. It's so frustrating to be in this marriage some times...and yet I wouldn't leave it for anything. I need things to start getting better...there HAS to be an up turn...there HAS TO BE....