I know all too well what my mom talked about..."I wish I had taken some time to meet more people when I single and not settled." while I don't feel I settled, I do feel taken for granted. Which is irksome because no matter how I tell him this, he doesn't seem to get it. It's so frustrating to think that only ONE man finds you attractive, and even HE doesn't tell you he thinks this! It's depressing and makes me not want to care about loosing more weight...just sit in my room, light off, and cry. I know that's the self-pity talking, but it's tempting. I've always had attractions to guys who had absolutely no interest in me, I would set myself up for heart-ache because I thought that's what was supposed to happen to me--since I was never the one who was the "pretty sister" (that was always Rachel or Tia, and now Heather). Guys didn't whistle at me, unless my sisters where with me, and even then it wasn't directed at me. The most I overheard was outside a Chuck E. Cheese in WI where a young black man said something about me being "thick" and when I turned to look who was talking he and his friends walked faster inside, probably embaressed I had heard them. I just get so mad at myself for letting my weight get the better of me the past several years. I was doing so awesome...before I got pregnant...now...god I feel like I have the boy of a 50yr old some times with all my aches and pains! I know 90% of it is the extra weight, and it's causing me more then just physical stress, but the emotional stress too *sigh*
I find myself not wanting to be touched more and more because I feel so used up. I've tried to explain this to him too, but it seems to turn around to somehow he's inadiquate, when it's not the case at all, and then we both get mad and I start to cry and can't get any more words out...such is the reality of being married right now...and all I want is to go back 4 years...and start over! I'm so disappointed with myself and the choices I made, or let others make for me! Things could've been so different!
All I can do now is take up where I am now and move forward, trying to make those little choices count towards a greater, bigger, goal now. It's very hard to let go, but it will get easier with time.
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Life is filled with uncertainty. You'll never know what could have been, so it makes sense to mourn the potential that could have been lost. But in the end, what will it accomplish? Rather then thinking of what your life lacks, rejoyce in all it is filled with. You married a man who you love and the two of you have a beautiful son. If for any other road taken you would not have that. Stop looking back, it won't be changing. Look foward, rather then saying I'm x amount over weight say this year I will lose x amount of weight. It sounds crazy and cliche, but I swear there is something to it.
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