No Envy, No Fear

Joshua Radin

I head that song on an episonde of Bones the other night and fell in love with it! I love Joshua Radin's voice and style! So enthralling really. But that's not why I'm taking the time to write this entry. It's casual aquaintences, past a present, that have impacted me so much I've been thinking about. One girl on my friends list Mila sent me an email reminding me how she and I have stayed in touch for over 5 years now! We've never lived in the same city, never spoken on the phone, and know very little about each other's daily lives...and yet we remain in contact.I have had so many chance encounters that will forever be with me. One that sticks out in recent memory was back almost 8 years ago...wow...seems like weeks ago. It was just after I'd turned 18 and things were starting to head down a really crappy path with my folks--they were tightening up on me more than before. I was making poor choices in friends and letting my anger and selfishness dictate my emotions more and more. Well, it was the 4^th of July, back in 2001. My family was celebrating with my cousin, Natasha's church...it was GREAT day. We all had so much fun. We started our own water fight, and there was a younger boy who joined us. I didn't recognize him from the youth from my cousin's church, I just figured he was someone's friend or family member I didn't know. It was obvious he was flirting with me...which was odd because guys don't flirt with me--at least not with serious intentions....yeah whole 'nother story. So I found it fun, some boy was interested in me...not one of my sisters. So I was bold, and brash with him, I would walk up very...VERY close and ask him a couple questions, then walk away before he would finish speaking. It was harmless flirting. Well I finally stopped being (my version) of coy and talked to him, found out he was 16, and from Idaho, and his name was Chris. He was visiting his grandparents for the summer. I told him I was 18...and not interested. He didn't seem detoured, he told me it was ok, he liked girls who were older. I got embaressed and walked away...he follwed me. He was hanging around my sisters and my cousin's, trying to talk to me. I was tired of being wet from the water fight and went looking for a towel, and came to find out one of my younger siblings had snatched up the last dry one. So I kept on saying how cold I was--there was a slight wind, and in Seattle, even on the 4^th of July it wasn't all that warm. Well before I knew what was going on, the kid stood directly behind me...blocking the wind. It didn't take me long to realize what he was doing...that made my day! Some silly little 16yr old boy named Chris was kind enough to want to block the wind for me...it touched me in a way that I won't soon forget. I was very disillusioned about guys by that point...and to have that young man block the wind for me...it was probably one of the sweetest and selfless things anyone has done for me--who barely knew me that is. Casual encounters can be something amazing, and terrible. I've had plenty of those...but somehow the good ones, always seem to outweigh the bad ones. I'm blessed in that respect, blessed to have good memories to draw on to remind me that I'm not as hard-hearted as I feel. Everyone I have ever met has served a purpose and taught me something valuable. They have helped mold me into who I am today, the good and bad, they have contributed to the woman I am today...and I hope that I can contribute to those around me. If nothing more then an open ear and heart to give them some hope. That's what I want...to give hope and encouragement...to be a light.

This Could Be Our Day

Addison Road

"New life is starting at every ending
We are a part of the story unfolding
This is the weight of the world we are holding
this could be our day

I was listening this song on break, and thinking about all the wonderful things this new year holds, but most of all...CHANGE! I've really come to appreciate change, while I rage against it when it's not in my immediate favor, I do see God's hand in each moment of change once past. I'm just hyper and so looking forward to all the plans we're making. One major thing is I will be having the IUD removed in March or April--no we're not trying for #2...yet--but we feel it's time to take it out. Plus, we can afford medical insurance right now, so that helps. There are lots of other things going on that I will share later. I'm just so happy!

So how are things? Well, Phoenix is giving me trouble with potty-training (it's been hard to even get him interested). I was getting so discouraged that I gave up for a while. Until I read some articles by some parents who had similar situations with boys his age--and OLDER--who almost refused to go potty on the toilet. So we're implamenting a new rule--you change your own wet pants! He loves to be babied and have someone ELSE do things for him, instead of trying to do it himself. He gives up before he even tries! And I've been enabling that defeatist mentality. Shame on me! So we're making him be more independent. He is a fully capable little man, and I want him to feel confident in himself, that sparkle in his eyes when mom or dad praises him for doing something on his own and "getting it" is priceless! I want to keep that going. Hopefully grandma will help with that...my mother-in-law loves Phoenix, and I know she wouldn't intentionally do something that would harm him...but I don't honestly believe she understands the ramifications of those "little choices" that effect long after they are made and gone. One little choice to not follow through will just created a snowball effect to other choices that require follow-through. I'm praying she helps us with this choice.

Anyways, my break is done. On to work for another 2 hours! YAY almost time to go home!