Daylight Savings and Morons

Would someone please tell me how I keep finding these idiots?! PLEASE! I'd like to know how I draw these two-faced-bitchy-ass-women to me and then piss them off, only to have them tear my face off. I'm so done! I'm done placating people who feel superior because they aren't religious and I am. I'm done being nice to people who are HORRIBLE parents and have to tell everyone what "damn good" ones they are to make themselves feel better about being so bad. If you're a good parent people tell YOU, not the other way around! I had probably one of the crappiest days today at work...and I wish I hadn't even gotten out of bed. I've had an extremely shitty week, I think I've cried more this week then I have in MONTHS. some people at work were seeming concerned...but I don't let them in, I don't trust anyone there. Not enough to share all of this stuff. How do I tell someone I barely know I feel like a failure as a mother and wife? And it's not just a once-in-a-while feeling, it's a constant hammering in my head that is so hard to drowd out. They deserved better...they all do. But...how do I act like the person I am on the inside, and make the person come outside PERMANENTLY?! If you know, would you please tell me. I keep trying to listen for God's voice...but all I get is silence...I want peace so much, my heart aches to have PEACE in all areas of my life...but so long as I'm working at this job...and in the place financially I am I don't see a way to getting the peace I crave.

Have you ever felt like an old, run-down, sweater that's fraying at ever edge? I have...I feel as though one more tug...and I'll fall to peices. I'm being held together by glue that never seems to dry, and a few rosebush sticks...reminding me keenly of my past pain, and keeping others at a distance. I realized this morning, that when I'm hurt I pull into myself and tell myself these little lies about why Jordan won't comfort me: "He's a guy, guys don't get this kind of pain. He's just insensative. If he really cared about me he'd realized I need a hug and for him to tell me things will get better...but he's a jerk, and wouldn't do that for me even if I asked." So I push him away, and rather then get hurt over and over...he pulls away from me...which hurts a thousand times worse! To have him turn away from me when we're talking in bed makes my heart feel as though it's being squeezed and torn at with tiny, sharp, little barbs. The words are on the tip of my tongue...but as soon as I make the motions to say them...my throat closes and I choke...literally. I choke over my own words and can't seem to get out the truth...my body tries to prevent me from letting out the truth...warring with me and what my heart wants me to do.